


No one but me

by Likiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Awesome, Bromance, Brotherhood, Comfort, Crying, Declarations Of Love, Fix-It, Fluff, Gen, Hugs, Hurt Sam Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Schmoop, Season 6 Spoilers, Self-Esteem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-26
Updated: 2011-10-26
Packaged: 2017-10-24 23:50:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/269287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likiel/pseuds/Likiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set end season six. Pre- season seven. After Castiel broke down the wall, and Sam survived, the brothers find themselves having one of the most emotional and painful conversation they ever had.</p><p>Summary:</p><p>- Do you think I'm an hypocrite? Sam murmured as if he was scared to ask.<br/>- No.<br/>- Why? Castiel is no different than me, if you take a good peek.<br/>- Oh, I'm not saying there isn't some fucking sense of déjà vu right here, but you and Castiel got nothing in common.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No one but me

 

 

Sam sat down next to Dean. He was tired. They both were. He was sad too. But not broken. Not yet.

  
\- So... Castiel... the new god, right? murmured Sam.

  
Dean snorted, wiped his face, glanced at him and then squeezed his eyes. Hard.

\- He can kiss my ass, for all I care.  
\- Yeah. I figured that much. Thought if you ever met God, you would want to take a swing?  
\- That's not good enough anymore.  
\- Dean...   
\- He hurts you.

A long silence, heavy, painful and so goddamn cold followed that understatement.  
Because that what it was. An understatement. 

\- He hurts you. He hurts you... willfully... for his fucking **arrangement** , to prevent **me** to come after him and his self-proclaimed dictatorship! The fucker... He... he... broke the wall. _The wall_!  
-Yeah.

That's was all Sam could say, could think. Somehow, even after all those years, his lifetime spent with Dean, Sam could still find himself dumbstruck by the fierce, feral and angry need to protect that Dean had for him. 

\- First, he brought you back as a soulless motherfucker...

 

This… need to punish whatever or whoever hurts him.

\- ... Then, fucking **knowing that** , because _let's face it_ Sam, there no way that an angel couldn't notice that your cake miss its cherry, lied to me about it, right to my face, during  _fucking six goddamn month_ and just LET YOU BURNED IN HELL FOR ANOTHER HALF OF A CENTURY!

The roar wasn't unexpected but Sam flinched anyway. The words were bringing back unpleasant feeling, unpleasant faces and unpleasant memories.

Dean took a deep breath. Put his hand on the back of Sam's neck. Rubbed slowly.

\- Sorry, groaned Dean.  
\- It's okay man.  
\- No it's not. You do know I'm not mad at you right?  
\- Don't Dean. I...I know that. It’s just... can we... can you not talk about... about...

Damn, that was hard.

\- Hell? murmured Dean.  
Sam nodded.  
\- Sure thing Sammy. For now.  
\- Yeah. For now. Thanks.

Dean fell silent. Then his burning anger turned into a cold and dreadful determination.

\- He did this to you.  
\- I know.  
\- You could have died. Again. Damn, you were never supposed to make it without his so-called help.  
\- Yet I did, didn’t I?  
\- Yeah and I'm so damn proud of you, Sam.

This time, Sam was the one who fell silent. 

\- But that doesn't change anything about Castiel, Sammy.  
\- I know. And I'm not holding you back, you get that right? Not this time. I can't this time.  
\- Good. Because me neither. He hurts you before, and we didn’t even knew it. But then,  _he actually got the nerves_ to do it blatantly, in front of _me!_ _  
_  
 _“Yeah, he might as well force you to eat your own heart”,_ Sam thought wryly.

Maybe that was the case.

\- I trusted him. I let him in, in our life, in our... in our fucking hearts! Because he helped us so many times, bleed for us, laid down his life for us... exactly like we would have done for him. And then…  
Dean’s hand squeezed Sam’s neck a little.

\- I trusted him with my life, but more fucking important, I trusted him with **yours**. At the same level I trust Bobby. You... you are everything, Sam. My little brother, _Mine_. You’re my hunter partner, my best friend, _my son_... I raised you!  Not Dad, _me_. You mean the world to me, I gave Castiel my world, and he tried to destroy it...

Dean was panting and didn't even realize his words, tears of rage and betrayal welled up into his green eyes.

Sam couldn't breathe; too much aware of those words who were never spoke so clearly, strongly and warmly. Tears of love and sadness rolled down on his pale cheeks.

\- There’s no turning back to that. Not now, not ever. Even if we've got a slightest chance to set him straight, I will never, ever trust him again. Ever.  
\- Dean... Dean...

  
Tears. Whispers. Pain.

 

\-  Sshh... don't... don't be upset, Sammy... I didn't mean... oh, don't cry like that Sam...

  
Warm. Hold. Tight.

\- Nothing and no one he's going to snatch you again. Nothing. No one. I've always got you, right Sam?  
\- Y... Yeah. Yes.  
\- I protected you against Azazel, against Lilith, against that bitch, against the devil, against those douchebags angels. When it came to it, I even protected you from Dad, remember? So mark my word: I will protect you against Castiel. Against Crowley, Against God, _whatsoever._

Sam sighed. Slowly, he leaned against his brother.

\- I will protect you too Dean.  
\- I know Sasquatch.

More silence, but this time it was actually peaceful. Until:

  
\- Do you think I'm an hypocrite? Sam murmured as if he was scared to ask.

Dean didn’t explode with rage again, didn't rant about how stupid the question was, and how Sam shouldn't have ask it in the first place. No. He just casted a look at his brother's face still buried on his shoulder, and firmly replied:

\- No.  
\- Why? Castiel is no different than me, if you take a good peek.

\- Oh, I'm not saying there isn't some fucking sense of déjà vu right here, but you and Castiel got nothing in common.

Sam tried to speak but Dean rubbed his thumb gently yet firmly over the back of his neck, and the youngest Winchester decided to listen

\- Yes, you hurt me like no one else before, when you choose that bitch over me, yes, it hurt even more to know what you did to yourself back then, with the whole sucking off demon blood thing. Yes, it hurt… the lies, the secrets, the lack of faith, your… arrogance back then. But dude? I think we both agree to admit that you were not the only one who was being an asshole. And I know what you're going to say: I was in hell for forty years, I, for a short time, was in charge in there. I came back broken, traumatized, and tired. That’s true. But it shouldn't have stopped me for trying to understand you, to put myself in your giant shoes. I shouldn’t have said that I would hunt you. And called you a monster. I shouldn't.  
\- You were hurt.  
\- Yes. And I did it to hurt you back. But as soon as the words left my mouth... you were looking so damn fragile... so damn young and lost and wounded... I did this. See, after everything we’ve been through- you jumping into the pit... I thought long and hard about us, about the whole apocalypse mess... And Sam, I realized who Dad really was...his faults… his limits... not strong enough to protect you _to no end, no matter what._ Not strong enough to deal with whatever change you came up with... too afraid to keep you by his side...

Sam was stunned. He never heard Dean speak about their father like that. But his words were full of truth.

-But how could he, really? He wasn't the one who was built to do it, he never been the one who got the right to do it... no, that was me, I raised you, Sam, I did built you up the best I could, never mind we're only four years apart. How the man dared ask me to kill you if I couldn't save you? How the man dared ask me to kill you, period? That's when he hits me: he never understood. There’s no one else but you, Sammy. No one. And yet, he never said to me: _"Help him Dean"_. It was just "save him or kill him"; that was Dad for _everything_. He never said: **_Try to help him live with it_** _._

Sam had difficulties to catch his breath through his hiccups and he swallowed his tears. He tried to remain silent. He vaguely realized that, since he glued the pieces of his soul together, it was the first time he hadn't heard, on the background, Lucifer's roaring laugh or Adam's desperate cries.

\- Your rage, your fears, your mistrust, back then, I get it now, Sam, I really do. And I forgave you a long time ago.  It did take time, though; it was painful and hard for both of us, right? Remember, when we couldn't even look at each other without feeling like someone had just pored salt in our cuts? It was rough; I was rough, to you, to the fucking world... I thought I lost everything; I was ready to say yes to Michael... But you keep holding onto me, you kept having faith in me, in us, even when I didn't believe in you…you were holding on for dear life and you brought me back to you.

\- You're.. you.. are my big brother... Dean... of course I was holding on for d... dear life... there n... no one else but you...

\- Ssssh… exactly Sam. No one but me. You proved me that you were the man I raised, the man I could be proud of. You make out for your mistakes; you never gave up just like you're not giving up to the memories of the cage. You're not perfect, you are making mistakes but you are also always, always willing to try, Sam, try to understand, try to fix, try to clean up your own mess, and you keep going, not matter the heaviness of your guilt... and that Sasquatch is what makes you incredibly different from Castiel.

Sam was crying openly, but the tears felt so much lighter.

\- You heard him, for Cas, nothing is broken, so there’s nothing to fix. Damn it, when I thought about the way he wanted me to let you soulless, about the whole titanic thing, about the victims Eve and her frigging kids made because of him and Crowley… All this time, he’s been feeding us with lies that he kept throwing to our face like it was nothing. He resurrected Samuel, _that bastard_ , he’s the reason I had to put up with Robocops’shit, and like it wasn’t enough, there is the kidnapping of Ben and Lisa! You remember how he never responded to our questions, just the same Raphael-Must-Die-And-I-Am-Working-On-It thing... but never much more than that. The way he killed him earlier...like Lucifer did to him… the way he broke your wall, while he knew that what I feared the most. And because of him, the poor Bobby lost a woman he loved once again... Sammy, nothing you had done in the past and nothing you could do would ever match this level of betrayal, of... emptiness I feel about Castiel. You are not able to hurt people you love like that, Hell, Castiel is exactly like soulless you. Which make you, **you** Sammy, the **opposite of them**. You are human. Castiel is not. Not anymore.

  
And Sam just let himself fell apart against Dean. He cried and sobbed so hard, barely breathe through it. And he plead for Dean to shut the hell up because it was just too much, too much forgiveness, too much understanding, too much love, love love love, pouring, steaming, scratching, itching, humming....

Healing.

Dean just held him tight, so tight, and said with a tired voice:

\- That's it Sam, let it out, it's okay, I've got you..

A long time after that:

\- You okay Sammy?  
\- Yeah. I'm fine.  
\- And are you ready to do this?

Sam held his breath.

\- To find a way to kill God?  
\- To find a way to kill Castiel.

  
They look at each other, at the pain, at the love, at the world they were for the other.

And at what everyone seems to try to rip apart, at what everyone feels threatening by.

\- Yes, Dean. I'm ready.

__________

  


 

**Author's Note:**

> Please if you like it, put a kudo on it, or let me know what you think of it! I know Castiel is kinda become a... touchy subject for many fans of him. I wrote this right after the end of "the man who knew too much" so it was pretty out of my chest. But I didn't change my mind about the character. And that's why I post this.  
> Let me know!
> 
> Kiss.


End file.
